I set off Amazon's gay-dar

I followed a link today to Amazon's subtly-introduced online sex store. It's tricky to get to without a direct link, like they're kind of ashamed of it - you have to really dig around for it to get there from the main site. But the very first item on the page is worth your time in comedic value alone: the Vibratex Rabbit Habit vibrator. What makes this particular sex toy stand out (other than the affordable price of $34.99) is the fact that, in addition to the standard-issue purple phallus, it features a small vibrating rabbit sticking out of its side whose function I can only imagine and a big daisy that appears to be the on/off switch. This is truly the toy for people who like to do it like bunnies.

Now, I'm not an extremely shy person when it comes to discussing sex toys, but it isn't something I'd ordinarily post on here without something special to make it even more amusing than the idea that some women like to stimulate themselves with vibrating rubber rodents. And here it is: At the top of the page, it read "Daniel, this item is recommended for you."

Needless to say, I was a little bit confused. I'm not exactly sure who the folks at Amazon have been talking to, but let me publicly state here that I am not now nor have I ever been in the market for a dildo of any kind, especially not the Easter-themed variety. I'm glad I could clear that up for everybody.

I did figure out what led them to this conclusion courtesy of the very handy little "Why?" link they put next to the declaration that this was a vibrator a fellow of discriminating tastes such as myself would enjoy. I could not think of a more appropriate question. So here's the deal: in the process of rating a bunch of DVDs in order to give them an idea of what to recommend to me, I rated the first season of Sex In The City at three stars. On their scale it goes from one to five, with one being "I hate it," five being "I love it," and three being "It's OK." I felt "It's OK" was an appropriate rating since I haven't seen much of it, but what I had seen, despite being knee-deep in estrogen, seemed like it was pretty funny and well-written. Basically I wasn't prepared to jump to any conclusions one way or the other.

So Amazon took this fairly ambiguous data and fed it through some very powerful software running on the latest and greatest in super computers to extract any and all possible information about my tastes and personality. And what it boiled it down to was this complex mathematical equation: Doesn't hate Sex In The City = Likes dildos. Then they slapped a great big "This guy likes dildos!" next to my name in their database.

You know, I could see the logic in that process, if only they were to apply that same standard to all of my DVD ratings. For example, they could look at my five star rating for The Sopranos and suggest that I might perhaps enjoy some XXL condoms or maybe some tasteful bondage gear. Talk about your double standards.

But while we're on the topic of Amazon, I'd like to take this opportunity to shamelessly remind everyone that my birthday is two weeks from tomorrow, and they do sell a bunch of non-dildo-related products that I like. Like these.